Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize