I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize