I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
