I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
