well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
