btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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