This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
