his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
