I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
