this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
