I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
