you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
