dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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