Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
