escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
