i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
