My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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