I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You took a bar mat shot.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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