My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
