So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
