Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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