alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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