I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
