I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
