end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
