I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
