Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
