Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my being single is dangerous.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
