Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
