forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize