I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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