I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
