a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's always time for handjobs
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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