You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
