Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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