I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
