my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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