Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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