we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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