either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
