i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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