Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
