I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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