Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
