The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
