...so i touched it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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