If that was your dad, he is hot
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
