Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
