I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
