she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
