Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
