how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
