I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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