she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
