Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
