I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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