Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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