if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm too high and old for this...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
