The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
