she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
