I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
